a state of constant distraction...

thanks to the writings of Drs. Edward M. Hallowell & John J. Ratey, it would appear that my comprehension of what i will refer to as Attention Variability Disorder/Trait (AVD/T) is becoming more concrete.

the unusual nature of my thought process, universal perception, & the voracity of my imagination are all related to this neurobiological condition.

i'm apparently able to compile & recall large amounts of information, but i can sometimes have a rather difficult time organizing said information into consistently constructive patterns over extended periods of time.

short version: i have difficulty w/ignoring distractions...

it is quite frustrating to me because i know that i am intelligent. apparently many people who deal w/AVD have a difficult time w/their self-esteem. this is especially true w/regard to their intellectual abilities. i do not seem to have this specific issue, but i am rather troubled by the various other issues that i have experienced & continue to experience as a result of AVD.

my task at this point is to redirect my facilities in such a way as to efficiently manage the - aspects of my AVD while aggressively promoting the + aspects. this is not an easy task. it is even more difficult considering that up until this year i had no idea that i even had this issue. my life up to this point has essentially been me leading myself into a lion's den, covered in blood, while sounding a claxon. not a pretty situation. so far, i am still alive & have all my limbs!

i currently live in an environment that is counterproductive to my achievement of progress. it is highly likely that i require daily/weekly coaching, but as a result of my career meanderings, this is not financially feasible. in fact, my entire life at this point in time is not financially feasible. as people w/AVD tend to create piles of unmanageability, i have done so literally & figuratively. not only do i not seem to be able to financially care for self, i have made myself responsible for a family.

ouch!

w/all that i still hold my comprehension of the universe the same. i am still god. the problem is that i have thoroughly disconnected self. god is not singular as most seem to think. collective functioning is at the heart of human society. the idea that individuals are the core of human functioning does not reflect the universal nature of reality. as god it is not a me, but a we existence. in the case of humans like myself w/AVD, it is apparently even more relevant that the collective nature of being be emphasized.

as a collective consciousness, the finite beings that we exist as physically can compensate more for our individual gaps. the more we bridge the gap, the more we approach our universal nature. it is in our best interest overall to function as close as we can to the infinite nature of the universe.

how is it that i am able to see this so clearly? i cannot honestly answer this question. it disturbs me as much as the fact that i don't seem able to properly manage my finite course of business on a day to day basis. interestingly enough, the unusual nature of my thought process as a result of having AVD/T is most likely the source of this universal clarity. i suppose it would be quite easy for those who did not have my best interests in mind to make me out to be some kind of loon. i might even agree w/such people.

i know what i know. what i do not know requires patience & attention. 2 things that people w/AVD do not usually do well in maintaining...

the struggle continues...

make like i never have difficulty w/anything...

PEACE
...be calm...

the gap widens...

at times i swear i'm becoming less adept at managing this finite existence.

not a good thing.

being able to articulate the problem does not appear to be making that much of a difference in discovering viable solutions.

what is the good of having knowledge if it cannot be consistently put to use for positive gain?

comprehension is not useful w/o concrete action that reflects said comprehension.

make like i'm not frustrated...

PEACE
...be calm...

the search for excitement...

the problems that i have w/my home life seem to stem greatly from the frustration i feel w/the home i've created.

too many distractions. the young humans are quite oblivious to most of what it is i try to instill in them. this is pretty much the norm in most interactions between young & older humans. the problem w/me is i tend to get overly bent out of shape.

unacceptable.

i often try to consider their behavior & actions in terms of what i was like at their ages. i find that many older humans ignore such considerations. it is a difficult thing to maintain during those especially trying moments.

anger is not received well by young humans. anger is not really received well by any human when you fully consider it. how can 1 human expect to effectively communicate to another while presenting their messages through the haze of anger?

i am frustrated w/my frustration at this point.

this is not an exciting situation.

to know what is needed is not quite the same as actually acquiring it...

make like i don't need to get my shit together better...

PEACE
...be calm...

working w/a pocket full of 0...

my everyday struggle is not commercially viable.

i have a difficult time using what i possess to make my way as a finite being w/any real consistency.

it's quite frustrating.

having the level of human comprehension that i do it would seem that i should be able to function significantly more proficiently than what i have thus far.

it's almost like being teased in a way.

i know i have to work this out, but i just don't generally seem to do what i need to do to get along w/things.

procrastination is not a strong enough word to describe the way i misappropriate the time & talents that i have been able to filter through the fog.

i can see the accident coming but i don't do much to stop it.

sounds like a bad dream.

there is no waking up from reality though...

make like i'm not tired of being tired...

PEACE
...be calm...

a breeze through the gap...

there is a gap between the glass & the wood in the window of my office...

makes for quite a bit of background noise & chilly air this time of year.

reminds of the finite/infinite disparity.

i have a lot of work to do.

some gaps are easier to manage than others!

make like i don't need to fill the gap...

PEACE
...be calm...

50,000,000 ideas...

gaining the comprehension of my consciousness in the universe as god has not alleviated the problems experienced as a finite being.

the mind's separation from the body is a great obstacle...

i have always had many, many ideas. having them & consistently not being able to put them to constructive use is not a pleasant experience.

when your life is the product of your own manufacture, it is difficult to find fault outside of poor decisions on the part of self. it isn't about blame. it is about learning from the errors so as not to constantly repeat them.

apparently i am not doing so well. there is a reason why this perpetuates in my finite travels, but my awareness of the reason makes the experience no less distasteful.

i have created far too many unpleasant distractions for self thus far in life.

being god does not make them go away.

being responsible requires that i handle my business.

my business is not going so well.

the distance is expansive. hopefully it is not beyond my means of conscious travel...

make like this shit is easy...

PEACE
...be calm...

the escape...

there is now a better explanation for the oddities that encompass my human.

my fascination w/freedom & equity...

my hedonistic nature...

my apparent sporadic artistic pursuits of being...

i've always been aware of what i refer to as a dichotomous nature to my personality. sometimes i feel trapped, but i have never exactly felt the need to hide my ways. obviously there are certain ways about me that i can't roam about & display, but i figure most humans have such ways. perhaps mine can be a bit extreme, but i've always seemed to manage that.

in some ways i'm beginning to view my management of these issues as what keeps me perpetually boggled. i am not free to be as frequently as i would like...

i do not consistently do what i need to do to be where i'd like to see...

fortunately, i do not blame others for my issue(s).

i'm working on a means of lessening the effect of said issue(s)...

make like this is going to be easy...

PEACE
...be calm...

deteriorating condition...

so...

i used to be organized.

i used to ride my bike all over the city.

i used to do quite a few things that i just don't seem to be doing at the present. it's disturbing.

i used to be working at a gig i couldn't stand.

now i'm trying to figure out where the fuck am i gonna gig. WTF...

my entrepreneurial endeavors are doing as they usually have thus far in life...nada...

a lack of consistent focus can fuck your shit up real bad.

it's not too useful to have 50 million ideas & not to follow through w/1 of them.

the only thing i seem to have some grip on is K.I.M.. problem is where exactly is it i'm moving to...

i've got about another 40-50 years left of natural finitude. obviously that's not guaranteed, but i'm not particularly enthused about living the remaining years as i have the previous 20.

no thank you!

i can't stop, but that doesn't mean i need to move forward w/a bag full of broken shit on my stick either...

make like i've got it all figured out...

PEACE
...be calm...

the meaning of infinite...

whoa!

i've been missin'...

shit's just been as it always has. foraging through my reality & trying to sort the finite from the infinite...

this ADD shit is deep. doesn't change the frame of reality just perception of such. my comprehension does not at all negate my godly essence. in fact, it makes my daily struggles that much more irritating.

comprehension of the finite reality is required to balance these discrepancies between expectations & actual results.

i'm working it out as it is. some days are fucking horrible. some days are mad + w/upliftment. the goal is to increase the + while minimizing the -.

this summer's been a particularly rough 1. as always my finances are an issue. at least now i have some more depth of comprehension of the nature of my finite issues. a lack of focus is a severe detriment to accomplishing any goal.

am i fucking up, or am i fucked up?

the answer is not as important as creating an environment where it doesn't become necessary to ask such a question...

BOOM!

make like comprehension is not essential...

PEACE
...be calm...

specifics of the flawed being...

this year i discovered the nature of my wacky & sometimes wack ass life. to know that you have talent & intellect, but still not quite achieve what you set out to achieve can be quite frustrating. if you have any sense of self you'll likely begin to question even your most basic movements in the finite realm.

in a worst case scenario this tends to nurture extremely low self-esteem. conceit is not pleasant, but incessant questioning of your personal motivations can be quite detrimental to accomplishing established goals.

what happens when you do not recall your motivations? what happens when you have conflicting motivations? what happens when your motivations move in & out of your working thoughts in the pursuit of a long-term goal?

there aren't really any upbeat answers to any of the above questions. these are the challenges of a very specific characteristic of finite being.

attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) has apparently been at the root of much of the frustration that i have experienced during my finite journey.

i'm not all that hyper, & the idea that ADHD (or ADD) can be simply considered as chronically short attention span is disturbingly false.

i'm quite guilty of making jokes & ignorant references regarding the presence of ADD in others. in studying the true nature of the condition i discovered that i live w/it & have done so my entire life.

knowing has a certain settling effect, but i'm still struggling w/the way i live as a result of the way my brain seems to function.

this in & of itself is quite frustrating, because i am quite intelligent, but my finite path is not quite reflective of my intellect at times. ADD explains much of this, but it is not an excuse, & it also doesn't make any of the bullshit go away. fortunately, in my elder years i am learning to develop better patience for dealing w/the bullshit. this is especially true regarding the bullshit that i create through my decision making process. finite being predicates flaws. knowing this does not mean the flaws are desirable.

the really bugged thing about this discovery is that many of the aspects of my life that are + also stem from the way my brain functions w/ADD.

i can be frustrated, but i can't be mad at that! i have a love for self goes a long way toward keeping me away from the dark ways of thinking that i used fall victim to.

every day is a new 1 & the finite must K.I.M....

make like the struggle of the finite is...

PEACE
...be calm...