a state of constant distraction...

thanks to the writings of Drs. Edward M. Hallowell & John J. Ratey, it would appear that my comprehension of what i will refer to as Attention Variability Disorder/Trait (AVD/T) is becoming more concrete.

the unusual nature of my thought process, universal perception, & the voracity of my imagination are all related to this neurobiological condition.

i'm apparently able to compile & recall large amounts of information, but i can sometimes have a rather difficult time organizing said information into consistently constructive patterns over extended periods of time.

short version: i have difficulty w/ignoring distractions...

it is quite frustrating to me because i know that i am intelligent. apparently many people who deal w/AVD have a difficult time w/their self-esteem. this is especially true w/regard to their intellectual abilities. i do not seem to have this specific issue, but i am rather troubled by the various other issues that i have experienced & continue to experience as a result of AVD.

my task at this point is to redirect my facilities in such a way as to efficiently manage the - aspects of my AVD while aggressively promoting the + aspects. this is not an easy task. it is even more difficult considering that up until this year i had no idea that i even had this issue. my life up to this point has essentially been me leading myself into a lion's den, covered in blood, while sounding a claxon. not a pretty situation. so far, i am still alive & have all my limbs!

i currently live in an environment that is counterproductive to my achievement of progress. it is highly likely that i require daily/weekly coaching, but as a result of my career meanderings, this is not financially feasible. in fact, my entire life at this point in time is not financially feasible. as people w/AVD tend to create piles of unmanageability, i have done so literally & figuratively. not only do i not seem to be able to financially care for self, i have made myself responsible for a family.

ouch!

w/all that i still hold my comprehension of the universe the same. i am still god. the problem is that i have thoroughly disconnected self. god is not singular as most seem to think. collective functioning is at the heart of human society. the idea that individuals are the core of human functioning does not reflect the universal nature of reality. as god it is not a me, but a we existence. in the case of humans like myself w/AVD, it is apparently even more relevant that the collective nature of being be emphasized.

as a collective consciousness, the finite beings that we exist as physically can compensate more for our individual gaps. the more we bridge the gap, the more we approach our universal nature. it is in our best interest overall to function as close as we can to the infinite nature of the universe.

how is it that i am able to see this so clearly? i cannot honestly answer this question. it disturbs me as much as the fact that i don't seem able to properly manage my finite course of business on a day to day basis. interestingly enough, the unusual nature of my thought process as a result of having AVD/T is most likely the source of this universal clarity. i suppose it would be quite easy for those who did not have my best interests in mind to make me out to be some kind of loon. i might even agree w/such people.

i know what i know. what i do not know requires patience & attention. 2 things that people w/AVD do not usually do well in maintaining...

the struggle continues...

make like i never have difficulty w/anything...

PEACE
...be calm...