Low Return On Investment
that's how i describe my current family life.
i get angry sometimes, but the reality is likely i have/had unrealistic expectations. my current situation is a reflection of my questionable decision making.
meeting a chick at a busted strip club & working to create a relationship w/her is an unusual enough idea. factor in she's a high school dropout, has a baby w/questionable paternity, is an incest survivor, etc. & you have a person that most cats would have run away from at top speed.
not me.
i thought i could help. i thought being supportive & loving would make a + difference. over a decade later i'm left w/a particular emptiness & the responsibility of caring for the fresh human that resulted from this apparently handicapped relationship. it seems that AVD plays a role in this situation as well. what comes off as selfishness, uncommunicativeness, & insensitivity is very likely AVD manifesting itself. it might not be so bad if there wasn't such a history of repetitive deceit & infidelity. being taken from w/o being given to creates a very distinct drain on the psyche.
distractions...
i suppose i have little reason to have any confidence in my family relations. how inspiring...
make like having shitty family relations is encouraging...
PEACE
...be calm...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
ever moving forward...
requiring frequent + stimulation is quite a tedious task. it has to be done responsibly. - stimulation leads to too much collateral damage. how is + stimulation maintained in an environment that is not exactly + energetically? my new motto is becoming "i am in trouble." i suppose that's not the most + outlook though. my variable attention span can be quite problematic within this context. the damage done up until the discovery of this state of my finite being has been relatively significant.
damage reveals itself in various forms from current/past behaviors/actions. more recently i've been eating too much outside prepared food. this is an expensive activity. i am definitely not in a position to make a habit of it. i have to start cooking for self again. the family meals have been problematic lately. i actually enjoy cooking, but the kitchen issues w/my current environment obscure much of the pleasure of the experience. pulling dirty dishes out of their storage areas tends to remove the enthusiasm of the preparation process.
i'm hungry as i write this, but the food that i've eaten from family meals has not been tasty. sometimes the food is over/under done, or it just does not look/taste appealing. it's rather discouraging, but eating out is not a viable solution...
i have much to do. moving forward w/o inflicting further damage is key. what a challenge. i have to keep telling self that it can be done. if i do not, "i am in trouble..."
make like all is under control in the finite realm...
PEACE
...be calm...
damage reveals itself in various forms from current/past behaviors/actions. more recently i've been eating too much outside prepared food. this is an expensive activity. i am definitely not in a position to make a habit of it. i have to start cooking for self again. the family meals have been problematic lately. i actually enjoy cooking, but the kitchen issues w/my current environment obscure much of the pleasure of the experience. pulling dirty dishes out of their storage areas tends to remove the enthusiasm of the preparation process.
i'm hungry as i write this, but the food that i've eaten from family meals has not been tasty. sometimes the food is over/under done, or it just does not look/taste appealing. it's rather discouraging, but eating out is not a viable solution...
i have much to do. moving forward w/o inflicting further damage is key. what a challenge. i have to keep telling self that it can be done. if i do not, "i am in trouble..."
make like all is under control in the finite realm...
PEACE
...be calm...
Saturday, January 22, 2011
source of + energy...
what can i say?
what can i do?
apparently i have not done so well in establishing an environment that is progress friendly for my finite self. this is not a recent development. this has been a situation that i have had to deal w/my entire finite existence thus far. i have struggled consistently w/it since assuming responsibility for my finite navigations. my original care providers were not exactly the best models.
i continue to work toward improving the nature & means of travel, but i seem only to be successful in expanding my consciousness. my efforts to convert said consciousness into a form that promotes more satisfactory forward progress have yet to produce long-term successes. it would be the utmost of understatements to suggest that i am frustrated. i feel i am beyond frustration.
my family is not even a source of + energy for me. if your family is a source of frustration, what happens next? i don't even find peace in spending time w/the godren. it would seem that the person i chose to introduce into my life as a partner is not quite able to be one. no peace there either. i have to create my own peace. this is something i find increasingly difficult. my distractibility & the disruptive nature of my current environment are not great partners.
i had thought that things could be worked out. it often appears that said partner functions in such a way as to not work things out. the repetitive nature of the issues over a 10+ year period makes it quite difficult to continue to suggest that things will improve to the extent needed. i would be horribly mistaken to state that nothing has changed, but certain things that needed to change a while ago do not appear to be changing.
it is difficult to maintain when you have no one to trust & be self with. my distractibility being as it is i feel i need to be in a solitary state, but i do not like the idea of extended isolation. isolation isn't a natural social state for humans. no matter how distractible i am, i can't see how it would be good for me.
the only real + energies for me lately are my light oriented thought(s) & creativity. apparently the strengths of my finite being are concentrated in these areas. these are the areas where the infinite & finite connect most regularly. i have to work this to my benefit. i have to create to live. if i do not work through & beyond my frustrations w/being, there is the danger of tormenting self to darkness. darkness is that place next to actively pursuing termination of self. this is not ok. this is becoming a daily battle. sometimes i grow tired of fighting it...
my challenge is distinct. what to do w/my finite self. the distractions & my interaction w/them are the only hell that exists in my finite reality.
make like navigating the finite is simplistic...
PEACE
...be calm...
what can i do?
apparently i have not done so well in establishing an environment that is progress friendly for my finite self. this is not a recent development. this has been a situation that i have had to deal w/my entire finite existence thus far. i have struggled consistently w/it since assuming responsibility for my finite navigations. my original care providers were not exactly the best models.
i continue to work toward improving the nature & means of travel, but i seem only to be successful in expanding my consciousness. my efforts to convert said consciousness into a form that promotes more satisfactory forward progress have yet to produce long-term successes. it would be the utmost of understatements to suggest that i am frustrated. i feel i am beyond frustration.
my family is not even a source of + energy for me. if your family is a source of frustration, what happens next? i don't even find peace in spending time w/the godren. it would seem that the person i chose to introduce into my life as a partner is not quite able to be one. no peace there either. i have to create my own peace. this is something i find increasingly difficult. my distractibility & the disruptive nature of my current environment are not great partners.
i had thought that things could be worked out. it often appears that said partner functions in such a way as to not work things out. the repetitive nature of the issues over a 10+ year period makes it quite difficult to continue to suggest that things will improve to the extent needed. i would be horribly mistaken to state that nothing has changed, but certain things that needed to change a while ago do not appear to be changing.
it is difficult to maintain when you have no one to trust & be self with. my distractibility being as it is i feel i need to be in a solitary state, but i do not like the idea of extended isolation. isolation isn't a natural social state for humans. no matter how distractible i am, i can't see how it would be good for me.
the only real + energies for me lately are my light oriented thought(s) & creativity. apparently the strengths of my finite being are concentrated in these areas. these are the areas where the infinite & finite connect most regularly. i have to work this to my benefit. i have to create to live. if i do not work through & beyond my frustrations w/being, there is the danger of tormenting self to darkness. darkness is that place next to actively pursuing termination of self. this is not ok. this is becoming a daily battle. sometimes i grow tired of fighting it...
my challenge is distinct. what to do w/my finite self. the distractions & my interaction w/them are the only hell that exists in my finite reality.
make like navigating the finite is simplistic...
PEACE
...be calm...
Sunday, January 16, 2011
the great hustle...
how is it that humans seem so easily manipulated by the fear of the unknown?
my comprehension of the answer to the above does not remove my distaste for the hustlers of religious faith(s).
i caught the tail end of a Todd Coontz infomercial earlier today. i'm not so much disturbed as i am amazed that humans facilitate the hustle of cats like this.
fear is a powerful motivator. humans truly fear the unknown. this fear is about as universal among humans as the universe itself is to reality.
the thing that saddens/bugs me is that it is extremely difficult to get those who are caught up by these types of hustles to realize that it's a scam.
it isn't even just w/religion(s). there are a few well established social institutions that humans would seem literally to be willing to kill/die to defend. i suppose it's like trying to get an eyeless human to visually acknowledge the sun.
the power to manipulate human perception is far too often abused by those who do not have the interest of the greater common good in mind...
make like the unknown is gleefully embraced...
PEACE
...be calm...
my comprehension of the answer to the above does not remove my distaste for the hustlers of religious faith(s).
i caught the tail end of a Todd Coontz infomercial earlier today. i'm not so much disturbed as i am amazed that humans facilitate the hustle of cats like this.
fear is a powerful motivator. humans truly fear the unknown. this fear is about as universal among humans as the universe itself is to reality.
the thing that saddens/bugs me is that it is extremely difficult to get those who are caught up by these types of hustles to realize that it's a scam.
it isn't even just w/religion(s). there are a few well established social institutions that humans would seem literally to be willing to kill/die to defend. i suppose it's like trying to get an eyeless human to visually acknowledge the sun.
the power to manipulate human perception is far too often abused by those who do not have the interest of the greater common good in mind...
make like the unknown is gleefully embraced...
PEACE
...be calm...
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