source of + energy...

what can i say?

what can i do?

apparently i have not done so well in establishing an environment that is progress friendly for my finite self. this is not a recent development. this has been a situation that i have had to deal w/my entire finite existence thus far. i have struggled consistently w/it since assuming responsibility for my finite navigations. my original care providers were not exactly the best models.

i continue to work toward improving the nature & means of travel, but i seem only to be successful in expanding my consciousness. my efforts to convert said consciousness into a form that promotes more satisfactory forward progress have yet to produce long-term successes. it would be the utmost of understatements to suggest that i am frustrated. i feel i am beyond frustration.

my family is not even a source of + energy for me. if your family is a source of frustration, what happens next? i don't even find peace in spending time w/the godren. it would seem that the person i chose to introduce into my life as a partner is not quite able to be one. no peace there either. i have to create my own peace. this is something i find increasingly difficult. my distractibility & the disruptive nature of my current environment are not great partners.

i had thought that things could be worked out. it often appears that said partner functions in such a way as to not work things out. the repetitive nature of the issues over a 10+ year period makes it quite difficult to continue to suggest that things will improve to the extent needed. i would be horribly mistaken to state that nothing has changed, but certain things that needed to change a while ago do not appear to be changing.

it is difficult to maintain when you have no one to trust & be self with. my distractibility being as it is i feel i need to be in a solitary state, but i do not like the idea of extended isolation. isolation isn't a natural social state for humans. no matter how distractible i am, i can't see how it would be good for me.

the only real + energies for me lately are my light oriented thought(s) & creativity. apparently the strengths of my finite being are concentrated in these areas. these are the areas where the infinite & finite connect most regularly. i have to work this to my benefit. i have to create to live. if i do not work through & beyond my frustrations w/being, there is the danger of tormenting self to darkness. darkness is that place next to actively pursuing termination of self. this is not ok. this is becoming a daily battle. sometimes i grow tired of fighting it...

my challenge is distinct. what to do w/my finite self. the distractions & my interaction w/them are the only hell that exists in my finite reality.

make like navigating the finite is simplistic...

PEACE
...be calm...