fluctuations of consciousness...

if i don't think straight/universally when i'm frustrated, but i have to think that way to remove the frustration from my daily environment, how much trouble does that mean i'm in?

only my actions represent an answer to that question.

historically, my actions have not reflected a constructive answer. i've essentially spent my later human life pursuing goals in a manner that makes them more elusive. i suppose knowing this should feel better, but knowing is not all that useful w/o application of knowledge.

my application has a tendency to be wanting.

so, WTF do i do w/self?

again, only my actions can speak that answer.

i am in a pretty fucked up situation in a relatively hostile environment. i have to help self. needing help is extremely unattractive to other humans. i'd like to have had this realization about 20 years ago, but that liking has no bearing on the reality of my current finite disposition.

how disturbing is it to know you're fucking up & yet you show little sign of stopping self in the most appropriate manner?

my human is not in the best of places. the nature of the gap between my finite & infinite being is not the most pleasant thing to experience. i keep coming back to the idea that i should be able to navigate these issues better knowing what i do know. clearly this is not the case.

i have to work this out or i'm going to continue to suffer...

make like i'm not struggling at the moment...

PEACE
...be calm...

fraternizing w/the saboteur...

i talked to an old roommate the other day. he told me something that i have to remember. he said, "you can't help everybody."

that's a lesson i seem to keep getting fucked up...

the situation i find self dealing w/right now is directly related to my ignoring the concepts of this lesson. i cannot help everybody. realistically speaking, w/my issues, i need to be focusing all my energies on getting self straight 1st.

DUH!

seems straightforward enough, but i suppose i wasn't being realistic w/self about the scope & extent of my issues. even if i had been more realistic, i still had no knowledge of AVD & the role it plays in my finite perception of universal reality. it would seem that role is rather significant & bears directly on this whole not learning of lessons issue.

long story short, i've spent a little over a decade investing a great deal of energy in trying to maintain what clearly now appears to be a lost cause. my ideal perception clouded my universal perception. the finite fucking up the infinite yet again. as the song says, "...the rain is gone..."

the most important thing at this point is moving forward w/o recreating the horribly unsupportive environment(s) that i have been experiencing during the journey thus far. this is  key to actually achieving any goals for self. i have quite a few issues to resolve simultaneously, but they cannot all be dealt w/at once. it is an ongoing challenge, but i have to prioritize these issues in a way that will lead to efficient resolutions.

the current environment has to be navigated in order for me to successfully remove self from it's negative influences. not easy, but highly necessary for immediate survival. i suppose i'm so used to dealing w/a hostile environment that i allowed self to perpetuate 1 at the expense of self.

not a good look...

took me a long time to see this shit, & i needed some outside eyes, but at least i have a more comprehensive idea of the challenges that need to be embraced.

now i just have to hold my head & move forward!

make like keeping the enemy too close is great...

PEACE
...be calm...