fraternizing w/the saboteur...

i talked to an old roommate the other day. he told me something that i have to remember. he said, "you can't help everybody."

that's a lesson i seem to keep getting fucked up...

the situation i find self dealing w/right now is directly related to my ignoring the concepts of this lesson. i cannot help everybody. realistically speaking, w/my issues, i need to be focusing all my energies on getting self straight 1st.

DUH!

seems straightforward enough, but i suppose i wasn't being realistic w/self about the scope & extent of my issues. even if i had been more realistic, i still had no knowledge of AVD & the role it plays in my finite perception of universal reality. it would seem that role is rather significant & bears directly on this whole not learning of lessons issue.

long story short, i've spent a little over a decade investing a great deal of energy in trying to maintain what clearly now appears to be a lost cause. my ideal perception clouded my universal perception. the finite fucking up the infinite yet again. as the song says, "...the rain is gone..."

the most important thing at this point is moving forward w/o recreating the horribly unsupportive environment(s) that i have been experiencing during the journey thus far. this is  key to actually achieving any goals for self. i have quite a few issues to resolve simultaneously, but they cannot all be dealt w/at once. it is an ongoing challenge, but i have to prioritize these issues in a way that will lead to efficient resolutions.

the current environment has to be navigated in order for me to successfully remove self from it's negative influences. not easy, but highly necessary for immediate survival. i suppose i'm so used to dealing w/a hostile environment that i allowed self to perpetuate 1 at the expense of self.

not a good look...

took me a long time to see this shit, & i needed some outside eyes, but at least i have a more comprehensive idea of the challenges that need to be embraced.

now i just have to hold my head & move forward!

make like keeping the enemy too close is great...

PEACE
...be calm...