if i don't think straight/universally when i'm frustrated, but i have to think that way to remove the frustration from my daily environment, how much trouble does that mean i'm in?
only my actions represent an answer to that question.
historically, my actions have not reflected a constructive answer. i've essentially spent my later human life pursuing goals in a manner that makes them more elusive. i suppose knowing this should feel better, but knowing is not all that useful w/o application of knowledge.
my application has a tendency to be wanting.
so, WTF do i do w/self?
again, only my actions can speak that answer.
i am in a pretty fucked up situation in a relatively hostile environment. i have to help self. needing help is extremely unattractive to other humans. i'd like to have had this realization about 20 years ago, but that liking has no bearing on the reality of my current finite disposition.
how disturbing is it to know you're fucking up & yet you show little sign of stopping self in the most appropriate manner?
my human is not in the best of places. the nature of the gap between my finite & infinite being is not the most pleasant thing to experience. i keep coming back to the idea that i should be able to navigate these issues better knowing what i do know. clearly this is not the case.
i have to work this out or i'm going to continue to suffer...
make like i'm not struggling at the moment...
PEACE
...be calm...
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