well now, what the figgle dig...

too bad thinking about posting doesn't equal a post. tried to post this morning but maintenance said no...gotta keep the technology rolling.

speaking of technology, i got my 1st full-time chizzle this week and it's already gone. actually, it was gone before i got it. sucks! i was hoping to cop a cellie-cell (not to be confused w/the obesity that is Shellie-shel) w/this pay, but no haps. it's my own fault. if i hadn't lapsed on my last account i probably wouldn't have to make a deposit to get the new one. good news is the deposit is only $150 per line. i recall the 1st time i tried to get an account the requested deposit was a G! whoa said me. Verizon hooked me up though and i didn't have to pay a deposit at all. my credit had cleared up quite a bit at that time (like it's acne or something right). unfortunately, that was about 6 months before i tried to terminate my existence due to an inability to cope with undue life stressors. oddly, i managed to maintain my cell for a few months after my episode of mental dilapidation. in trying to assist my then estranged wife to rectify her cell account, i lost the ability to financially maintain my personal account. ironic seeing as how i got my personal account because of the strange behavior of said estranged wife. anyways, now i owe the great VZW a cool 3 bills and some change for the balance plus the customary early term fee. on my behalf, i must say i tried ever so valiantly to maintain my side of the bargain. i've always said to bill collectors "if i ain't got, i can't give it."

and now to rant about bill collectors: why do they ask you, when you've informed them of what they should already have some idea of with respect to one's brokenness, "can you borrow it from someone?" WTF! i need someone to explain to me how that is in any way shape or form logical. who in their right financial, or any other type of mind, would lend lumps of cash to an obviously financially challenged, borderline indigent individual? i know i wouldn't do it. it's rather absurd to even make such a suggestion. i remember one cat tried to come at my nizeck. he in all his assninity assumed that i was a recipient of public assistance and just did not want to part ways with the measly cash benefits that DPW provides those who do receive benefits. i kindly informed him that i was a chronically un/underemployed college student living with family and not eating much at all. i also told him that he was a victim of this wonderful Eurocentrically capitalist society that we muddle our way through on a daily basis. he was offended that i referred to him as a European and promptly informed me that he was Middle Eastern/Arabic. i kindly pointed out to him that his ethnicity had nothing to do with his social adherence to Eurocentric ideologies of financial stability. he was rather upset by the end of the call. it was his own fault though for making such assumptions. [ass out of u not me] ahh, adventures with bill collectors...

alligator before my crocodile after while

PEACE

geezle weezle...

it began as a normal day and then i decided to purge all the oxygen from my lungs by riding my bike to fast on my way to class. what an experience it was to exist on the brink of consciousness. i wanted to go sit in a bathroom stall, but i had to lock up my bike. i was so friggin' disoriented that it took the wee bits of my consciousness left to get myself to sit on the bike rack and try to refill my lungs. mind you, i rode at the unnecessary high rate of speed so as not to be late for class. irony would have it that i had to wait until i knew who, what and where i was before i locked up my bike and went on to class. in waiting of course i lost the time i had attempted to not miss by riding fast in the first place. [ha! ha! but not really...] this is the 2nd time since i started riding again that i've done this. i must say this time it was far more a frightening experience. more than anything i was concerned with how embarrassing it would be for my big a** to fall out in front of the building while everybody was doing whatever they were doing. it's rather difficult for someone my size to collapse in public in an inconspicuous manner. i suppose it is difficult for any person to have such an experience in public without anyone noticing, but in my case i tend to believe it's that much more noticable. couple that with the distance i actually have to travel to get from up where i am to the ground is enough that i could cause some minor damage to myself and/or my surroundings. fortunately i was able to sit long enough for my lungs to quit panicking and realize that i was at least attempting to provide them with their much needed and sorely missed oxygen. i'm sure in breathing city air, i may not even be breathing much oxygen in the first place, but you get the idea.

ahh! adventures in stupidity. i was thinking. i do that sometimes you know. right now i'm thinking i'm rather sleepy. can't go to sleep though. i don't get paid to sleep. i suppose i don't get paid to make entries in my blog either, but i can do this and still pay attention. multi-tasking is my friend...

speaking of wizerk, today is officially my first day as a full-time employee. [yaaaay!] thanks in advance for your suport and cooperation.

dang i'm sleepy. shift's almost done though...

make like your name is Jack and Ray Charles is singing...

PEACE

what the sheazle!

proud to say i am today my gig employed full-time. excited yes why quite i am which made me write this rhyme. persistent in my effort now seems to have paid off. success is yes the best revenge for those left me naught. to gloat i won't to brag i shant but pleased i sure will be. unlike so many years before this one's been good to me. soon i shall receive my works in form of a degree. although it took what seems so long i feel deservedly that finally i'll have the chance to raise my arms and say, "look at me. i did do it. i graduated yaaaay!"

my apologies for the Seussian lyricism. well, not really, but i thought it'd be nice to say it anyway. i'm obviously in a jipper-skipper mood. i ain't rich, but i am on a path towards more stable financial status. the reality of my financial situation has always been my lack of sustainable income. granted, i have only been at this gig 6 months and there's no guarantee things will go well. but i feel a great deal better than i have for quite some time about my income and various other personal issues that we all deal with as adults. many of these things most people probably take for granted. i'm sure i did as well. perhaps that is what led to the difficulties that i've experienced prior to my current situation. some have called me pessimistic. i prefer to call myself realistic. i don't know if i'd say i'm pragmatic. i've done some off the wall sheazle in my time, but for the most part i'm just trying to pursue my goals.

i didn't really consider in my late teens early 20's that i would become a member of probably the largest economic class of this society: the poor. [ha!ha!] but seriously, i had no reason to believe i would not go to college, graduate and start a wonderful career making 5+ figures with the phat bennies. didn't happen. how about it's taken me damn near the 2nd half of my life so far just to get my bachelor's? how about i almost didn't even live to see this day? of course that would have been my fault entirely. it's odd to me now that i didn't realize sooner in my life that i suffered from depression. at least to the extent that it was severe enough for me to need professional help and intervention. fortunately my persistence at self-termination did not pay off. how about that? i'm sure everyone experiences frustration in life, but with depression it's like it gets magnified to such an extreme level. combine that with the logical aspects of my thought process and you get a dangerous pattern of thoughts that questions why there should be any effort at all if it does not lead to some positive result at some point.

current up status is hopefully going to be a prolonged state of being. i've had some trying days over the past few months, but more often than not i've been able to work through. as always its a work in progress, but progress is the key word. stagnation = frustration = depression = whoa! gotta stay away from that equation at all costs. seeing as how no one really sees this blog yet, guess it doesn't much matter what i suggest, but i'll do it anyway. if you have any doubts whatsoever about your state of mind, seek professional help. it works. it isn't even about medication. i did it and without medication it really made a difference in my approach to my life's conflicts. i was already pretty good at observing myself, but there were some rather significant aspects of my personal and family life that i was in some denial about. i haven't been in about 2 years now, but i'd go back in a minute. can't work out 30+ years worth of issues out in a matter of weeks or even months. that wouldn't seem to make any sense at all if it even slightly true.

well now that's a 1/4 of a mindful for an entry...

make like a pop fly...

PEACE