nurture v. nature

i am a solitary type person. i can't quite be sure if i am solitary because of my personality, or if my personality is what it is because of how i grew up. at my age you wouldn't think it would be a consideration at all, but it is. i can work with others in groups quite well, but i am easily frustrated by the stupidity of others. my wife says i'm snobby. i don't know, maybe i am. either way, most people get on my goddamn nerves with their inability to look past the obvious. i suppose i could be more tolerant, but i'm not.

so basically, i can be an asshole sometimes. unfortunately, i think i am a good asshole. why is that unfortunate? basically because i'm not actively trying to curb my assholiness. maybe that isn't a bad thing. my point? i guess that'd be that most people get on my goddamn nerves. [a little repetitive huh?] it's weird, 'cause part of me likes to socialize and interact with other people on a regular basis. problem is i don't seem to be able to find too many people who are willing and able to do so. i don't mean that as a cliche either. seems like people who may be willing to hang out are not people i necessarily would like to spend any significant time around. others just don't appear to share similar interests, but they're always available.

maybe i'm not the only one who is fucked up like this. i don't know. i can only speak for myself, and i spend most of my time speaking to myself. lately i've come to theorize that it has a great deal to do with my prison style social life as directed by warden Mom. it's gotten to the point now where i don't even want to go out of my house unless i absolutely have to do so. sometimes i don't even go outside when i have to go out. i just can't stand to be around other people sometimes. things that most people are easily able to ignore are extremely frustrating to me.

littering is a great example. if it were up to me littering would be punishable by death. i don't mean you accidentally drop a napkin while eating a hot dog or whatever from a street vendor. i mean like opening the window while driving down the street and tossing your half empty bag of fast food into the street. WTF! i hate that shit, but it happens very frequently. apparently, most other people in the city don't give much of a fuck about litter, or there wouldn't be so fucking much of it.

am i ramming? probably. but this is a great example of what i mean about not wanting to be around other people. i know i'm throwed, but i don't think it's too unreasonable to put trash in a trash can or whatever. the fact that few seem to share that sentiment is what signals to me that i just don't fucking fit. so what does that mean? it means i don't fit. story of my life.

make like i'm not disturbed...

PEACE

i build computers...

ever since i was a kid, i loved making things. if asked to recall some of my favorite toys, they would be things like Legos, Tinkertoys, Lincoln Logs, etc. i still like all of the above. i don't play with them now, but i would if they were handy. my young'ns have Legos, but i don't play with them much. nowadays, i put together PC systems. its supposed to be a business, but most people tend to not care what goes into the box. this apathy results in purchases from companies that seem like they're giving you a great deal, but usually you're buying instant obsolescence.

i know what i'm putting in my systems and it's still almost impossible to not have a system become virtually obsolete in 6 months to a year. i bought parts in February for a complete system that i still have yet to fully assemble, and it has already become component obsolete. about a month or 2 ago, AMD released a new CPU with essentially similar features to the CPU that was current in February. the significant difference for me is the new CPU uses DDR2 RAM. this newer RAM is a better fit for the needs of AMD's dual-core CPU's. needless to say, i am getting one of these new CPU's. i said i was going to wait until the prices on the dual-core CPU that i wanted came down, not realizing that a completely newer design was soon to be released. the dual-core CPU's of the newer design are about half of what the other design's were in February/March.

this is the shit that most people could give a fuck about, but this is the shit that makes your PC worth what you pay for it or not...

aaahhh, the life of a technical mind...yes, it is quite boring most of the time...[insert hideous laugh here.]

make like my HDTV ain't busted...

PEACE

Needa-ventures...

so, it appears there may not have been something wrong with the battery, but i can't be sure. it is possible that i left on the lights the last parked. it is also possible that i turned them on last weekend when i tried to start the car and realized the battery was dead again. either way, the mechanic suggested i replace the old battery any way. oddly, the old battery was a marine battery. don't know how much of a difference that makes, but the car is now running off of an Energizer battery. i almost fucked up the new battery by hooking up the cables to the wrong terminals. fortunately, i quickly removed the cables upon commencement of sizzling...

anyways, it's good to be having employment and not unemployment. hopefully i can keep Needa w/o gouging my pockets any further. on that note...

make like T.O. has any sense at all...

PEACE

whooo! hoooo!

got a new gig. training appears to be starting on Monday. odd thing: i got this gig because of the experience at my last gig. never thought that would be a factor considering neither gig has anything remotely to do with my actual career aspirations. fortunately, the rate is about the same, so i can hopefully get back on track with building my home studio. this was probably one of the most depressing summers i've had in years. mostly due to not having any freakin' income. hopefully this gig will not subject me to dorkface killer management and will lead to some yearssssss of employment. [notice the emphasis on the 'sssssss']

typical as it is, Needa is acting up. gotta get a battery tomorrow. at least i hope that's all that's wrong. went to start the car last Saturday and the lights 'n' shit weren't working again. can't say i wasn't warned. i just thought i'd have a little more juice in the battery than i actually did. i may need to get a new ride. i'm trying not to get one though. i'm hoping i can just cop another same year model of Needa and swap some parts to keep her going. gotta find one local that's damn near junked w/o being totalled.

anyway, it's great to know i won't be collecting unemployment until that shit runs out...

now to get some savings going so we can cop a permanent residence somewhere...

O-U-T...

make like i don't have to be at work Monday night...

PEACE

i am extremely bored...

don't think that requires any further explanation.

my plants have developed some condition resulting in a total unresponsiveness to light and the occasional watering that they used to get. i'm rather disturbed as i have no idea what the hell happened. perhaps one of the children put too much water in them. i don't know. i do know that when over-watered, they will die. i know because i killed one many years ago when i first began growing them. anyway, i tried not watering them, and that didn't seem to help at all. it seems since the heatwave a few weeks ago, they have been quite unresponsive. i would be rather disappointed if they die. i replanted one last year because it grew to big for its pot and had also spawned a new plant. by the time i replanted it, it had spawned a second new plant that i left in the pot because it was so small. i didn't want to separate the plant and damage the roots while it was that small, so i figured i'd let it grow some. also, i had wanted to be sure that the replant went well and the plants didn't die. everything was going great until about 2 weeks ago. it really sucks actually. there are now 4 plants instead of 1, but the 2 larger plants are drooping and looking rather sickly. not very uplifting for the current mood i must say.

well, that's enough of that. since i forced myself to type this, i'm out...

make like i hate NFL football...

PEACE

there is hope yet...

well, i got a fluke call off of my resume from Monster.com. perhaps i shouldn't call it a fluke, but i usually don't get tons of action off of my resumes that i post on the web. this is only the 2nd time since 1998 that i've gotten a legitimate offer from a web resume. i've got at least 3 on the web at 3 different sites, but i don't scan through too much email as a result of having them posted...

anyways, it'd be nice to get back to the world of the employed so that i can continue to pursue my career goal of establishing my own business. seems odd to need to be employed to do such a thing, but i've got to have income to invest in my ideas. i'm not too keen on borrowing money from anyone, least of all a financial institution. i currently owe the feds about $30,000 +interest for the last 2.5 years worth of college at good ol' Temple University.

speaking of TU, i still can't get any gear to fit me that shows any type of school pride. i get a call from Russell Athletic the other day telling me to contact a rep from their big & tall line. i get all hyped like i'm finally going to get some TU gear and the guy tells me "Temple is not a popular school." as a result of Temple's lack of notoriety, i cannot purchase anything from Russell that is larger than a 2X. well, that's utterly useless info for me. i need somebody to explain why i can't get a football jersey, a basketball jersey, a pair of basketball shorts, or even a goddamn field hockey jersey. all i want is some Temple gear. i guess this is what i get for not being a Temple athlete.

people think it's so wonderful being tall. if you're not independently wealthy or some kind of athlete, it's a regular pain in the ass. about the only thing my height provides is the ability to see on top of refrigerators and to mildly to severely intimidate shorter people who tend to adhere to stereotypical views on larger people. otherwise, i'm just a tall dude who can't dry his drawers 'cause they shrink in the dryer...

on that note, i'm all plamed out like sallawumped kefiddledonk...

make like i hate food and my fridge is full...

PEACE

ba-boom, ba-bing...

right, so my wife sabotaged me yet again. my family seems to have an uncanny knack at finding ways to sabotage my endeavors. wouldn't that be sick if it were actually true? i'd be more willing to say it's a confluence of circumstances. anyways, that's what i get for being married to a crazy lady. i've heard it said you tend to be drawn to mates that are reminders of your parent of that gender. not to sure of the psychological validity of such an idea, but i'd say i've done pretty damn good at keeping up with it. even if only on an anecdotal basis, i've been involved with nothing less than train wreck mental women in my life so far. this includes relationships as well as flings. of course, it could also be a birds of a feather type scenario.

i'd be the last person, even if i was the only person alive, to suggest that i am even remotely emotionally settled, let alone stable. i take comfort in the fact that i am completely aware of my mental state. my lunatic mother always told me it is the people who don't admit their issues that are put away and are really lunatics. she's apparently the one that the professionals somehow missed. my bad huh? i've been surrounded by crazies my entire life. my mother, my father, my mother's brothers and sisters, my father's sisters, you get the idea. my sister has now officially been recognized as one of the crazies related to me. that is my younger sister. i'm supposed to have an older sister, but i only know her first name prior to her being adopted. there are 2 problems with this information:

1. i don't know if her first name changed, or her surname for that matter
2. my mother is damn near a pathological liar, so i may not even have an older sister

i guess #2 is the more important of the problems to consider. just on the possibility that she actually exists, she's 3 years older than me and hopefully she escaped the crazy family syndrome. unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, i would have no way of finding out. i've always wanted to meet her, but she may have an actually pleasant and stable life. very few of my other known family members live in such a state. some of them are far more functional than others, but they've all got some serious issues.

i like to think of myself as functionally dysfunctional. i'm fucked up enough to have problems, but i'm not fucked up enough to be on SSI. that's a good thing mind you. i had one of my nut ass aunts (on the mom side of course) suggest that i go ahead and file for disability for my depression. she made it sound like it would be a vacation or some shit. amazing! that's just how nutty my family is. i think now that i didn't have a chance to be relatively stable at all (no pun intended). i actually did have to go on temporary disability for this shit, but it was as far from a vacation as i can possibly figure. maybe it was because i didn't file for SSI, but it was basically like being on welfare. in fact, that's exactly what it was. i had to keep getting paperwork signed by the medical staff where i was getting therapy, or my physician. i couldn't work and i didn't have a choice of not getting cash benefits. i got off because that shit drove me more crazy than what i already am. i need the therapy, but not at the expense of being able to live my life. it's kind of a sick catch-22. i need therapy to function more effectively, but i can't get it unless i'm effectively dysfunctional. some might think that having medical insurance would help, but for the kind of therapy i need, insurance does not pay for therapy of such an extensive frequency. i'm only talking like once a week, but even the best insurance in the region doesn't cover mental health expenses like that. so...

my wife is crazy and i picked her out of all the crazies i know, so it's my fault huh? i still love her, she just gets on my goddamn nerves sometimes.

make like Mel Gibson is the new ambassador to Israel...

PEACE