ba-boom, ba-bing...

right, so my wife sabotaged me yet again. my family seems to have an uncanny knack at finding ways to sabotage my endeavors. wouldn't that be sick if it were actually true? i'd be more willing to say it's a confluence of circumstances. anyways, that's what i get for being married to a crazy lady. i've heard it said you tend to be drawn to mates that are reminders of your parent of that gender. not to sure of the psychological validity of such an idea, but i'd say i've done pretty damn good at keeping up with it. even if only on an anecdotal basis, i've been involved with nothing less than train wreck mental women in my life so far. this includes relationships as well as flings. of course, it could also be a birds of a feather type scenario.

i'd be the last person, even if i was the only person alive, to suggest that i am even remotely emotionally settled, let alone stable. i take comfort in the fact that i am completely aware of my mental state. my lunatic mother always told me it is the people who don't admit their issues that are put away and are really lunatics. she's apparently the one that the professionals somehow missed. my bad huh? i've been surrounded by crazies my entire life. my mother, my father, my mother's brothers and sisters, my father's sisters, you get the idea. my sister has now officially been recognized as one of the crazies related to me. that is my younger sister. i'm supposed to have an older sister, but i only know her first name prior to her being adopted. there are 2 problems with this information:

1. i don't know if her first name changed, or her surname for that matter
2. my mother is damn near a pathological liar, so i may not even have an older sister

i guess #2 is the more important of the problems to consider. just on the possibility that she actually exists, she's 3 years older than me and hopefully she escaped the crazy family syndrome. unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, i would have no way of finding out. i've always wanted to meet her, but she may have an actually pleasant and stable life. very few of my other known family members live in such a state. some of them are far more functional than others, but they've all got some serious issues.

i like to think of myself as functionally dysfunctional. i'm fucked up enough to have problems, but i'm not fucked up enough to be on SSI. that's a good thing mind you. i had one of my nut ass aunts (on the mom side of course) suggest that i go ahead and file for disability for my depression. she made it sound like it would be a vacation or some shit. amazing! that's just how nutty my family is. i think now that i didn't have a chance to be relatively stable at all (no pun intended). i actually did have to go on temporary disability for this shit, but it was as far from a vacation as i can possibly figure. maybe it was because i didn't file for SSI, but it was basically like being on welfare. in fact, that's exactly what it was. i had to keep getting paperwork signed by the medical staff where i was getting therapy, or my physician. i couldn't work and i didn't have a choice of not getting cash benefits. i got off because that shit drove me more crazy than what i already am. i need the therapy, but not at the expense of being able to live my life. it's kind of a sick catch-22. i need therapy to function more effectively, but i can't get it unless i'm effectively dysfunctional. some might think that having medical insurance would help, but for the kind of therapy i need, insurance does not pay for therapy of such an extensive frequency. i'm only talking like once a week, but even the best insurance in the region doesn't cover mental health expenses like that. so...

my wife is crazy and i picked her out of all the crazies i know, so it's my fault huh? i still love her, she just gets on my goddamn nerves sometimes.

make like Mel Gibson is the new ambassador to Israel...

PEACE