...but i'd be happy if the Steelers won he he! (the Super Bowl). what a game today. the last last play at the goal line was especially like "WOW!" hey if my neighbors didn't know i was a Pittsburgh fan, they know after today.
anyways, i do apologize for the utter gibberish in my previous entry. [as if anyone reads this jizzoint...] that's what happens when you type and doze. gotta stop doing that.
well, it's big time this semester. upon successful completion of this semester, i'll be an alum of the prestigious university known as T-E-M-P-L-E U.!!!! [YAAAAY!]
it's been a long traveled and difficult path. took me damn near 20 years to do it, but it'll be done. ha! ha! you dorks. completion is the best revenge. i'd like to thank me for persevering and putting up with all the bullshit from my family [your welcome]. i'd like to thank all the 'swipes along the way, from family to associates to former employers, who helped put the bumps in the road and orchestrate the various detours that delayed my progress [no sincerely]. without your utter bullshit and unnecessary shenanigans, this would probably not be as worthwhile as it is. no, yes it would, but maybe i would not appreciate it as much.
i haven't had much spiritual or emotional support over the years. seems kinda odd for a grown ass man to declare such a thing, but it's really wild how much difference a little moral support can make in the pursuit of one's life endeavors. the cool thing about not really ever having any is learning how to derive that energy from one's self. that leads to other problems of course, but when it is working, it is extremely beneficial. i went through about a 5-10 year period where that shit wasn't working to well. this occurred in part because i was developing the skill as it was being heavily used. it's kinda like driving a car with only 2 wheels and half of the drive train. sometime you just don't make it down the road [as if a car can operate in such a condition].
i went to therapy for about a year. i need to take my ass back. that shit worked for me. got me to see a few rather important things. one of the most significant is that my father is a coward and as such presented himself in much of my life as an asshole. in an attempt to get him to realize my perspective on his role in my life, i was deteriorating my own state of mind. as such, i had to cut off him and essentially his side of my family, unfortunately, i've had to do the same with my lunatic of a mother. hey, here's one for you:
how do you know when you're crazy as fuck?
[pause for drama or drumroll. your choice]
when you call your son and tell him you have HIV to get him to feel sorry for you! [YAAAAY!] and people tell me i'm wrong for cutting off my mother. if you knew what i know, you wouldn't call her my mother. you probably wouldn't call her at all. neither do i. i swear, and i can be an ass sometimes [i'm willing to admit it], i gotta wonder how the hell i came from these 2 dorkbones. when i figure it out, maybe i'll write a theory about it.
don't get me wrong, from an educational and cultural perspective, my parents taught me a great deal and exposed me to a lot. when it came to some actual support for my life goals and endeavors it was like parents from hell. that's not to mention their inherent dysfunctions and their inability or unwillingness to acknowledge and deal with them. it's cool though, this is what makes me the parent that i am. i always try to remember what i didn't like about my parents and try not to do that shit to my children. top of the list: not whooping their asses! actually, that'd probably be #2, but it's definitely in there and high. #1 would actually be more along the lines of me admitting to my kids that not only am i capable of being wrong but that i will bust my ass to apologize to them when i do something wrong to them. i don't think parents do that enough in general. mine did not do it yet. they suck accordingly.
my mother stole from me, lied to me and generally conducted herself in a manner unbecoming a mother. she's done it so bad to my sister that she thinks her father is messed up. little does she know that she's been fatally poisoned...
ah well, how did something so positive come to this darkness? this the main reason why i write, gotta get this shit out. it's gonna come out some way, i'd rather it be here. i don't mind sharing. perhaps if anyone actually reads this shit, they could derive some insight or humor from these words. if so, cool. if not, oh well. i ain't been to therapy in going on 2.5 years, so this is good for me. besides, to be a writer you have to write, and i haven't been writing too much poetry or lyrics over the last year or so. it's like mental calisthenics. gotta keep those neurons pulsing baby! [neurons pulsing in flex mode!] yeah, you like how i turned that shit back around. i know, i know, it's a gift. i'm just sharing...
GO STEELERS!
make like Peyton Manning in this years playoffs...
PEACE!
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