and so the drama continues...

not actually, but it's officially a year's worth of wordified nothingness. maybe one day someone will actually read some of this shit on a regular basis. who knows. anyway, it's hot as hog balls in my office. i need a friggin' AC in this joint. there's 1 window, and it draws no air whatsoever. i've got a fan blowing air out, but it doesn't do much good when it gets stupid humid like it has been the last 2 days. i'm sitting here and my face feels like somebody slobbered on it. heat is good, humidity sucks.

so, what does it mean to be a college graduate w/no foreseeable means of beginning a meaningful career? it means i'm generally disappointed and depressed as usual. not so bad today though. today i'm just bored as hell. bored and humidly uncomfortable.

on that note, time to do something unconstructive with my time and play some video games. perhaps one day i will submit a resume or fill out an application that actually gets me an interview and a jizzob. apparently not today though.

make like i love being unemployed...

PEACE

the missing me...

i think i'll start commenting on my own posts. would that be cheating (as if this was a game)? i spend far too much time on my computers nowadays. sheesh! i had a few thoughts when i decided to begin typing, but i seem to have somehow misplaced them in my mind somewhere...

well, it is hot again today. i need to trim the hedges, literally. actually, there are more than a few things i need to do around the house, but i rarely do them. most of the time i just don't feel like being bothered. guess that's why i haven't done laundry since Feb./Mar. or so. i'd be in trouble if it weren't summer. fortunately all my warm weather clothes were clean when it got hot...

make like my eyes want to stay open...

PEACE

twere i to prognosticate...

WTF! couldn't think of anything else, so i figured i'd type some stupid shit. here's a question that i'm sure i'm not the first to ask or ponder: why do people use phrases such as "how are you," "what's going on," or "how goes it?" that would essentially be a rhetorical question, for if i did not know the actual answer, i'd have far less social grace than i apparently currently have. i read some excerpts from the Oprah and Gayle interview that reminded me of myself. Oprah said she's not the most friendly person. i wouldn't know, since i've never met the woman, but she seemed nice enough on television. personally, i would not classify myself as nice. my low tolerance for bullshit creates a great deal of consternation towards my fellow humans. i used to wish i was some lost extra-terrestrial so that i could vacate the premisis so to speak. far as i know, i would have no such luck (not that i believe in luck at all). i once had someone challenge my perception of how different i am. of course this person had spent little or no time around me of any great introspective depth. this was well before i had any inkling of how serious my depressive states were. anyway, either i'm rather different, or i am just extremely socially challenged. i suppose the latter is highly possible, but-ah whatever....

i'm tired of typing...

make like i feel like concentrating...

PEACE

perhaps but i'm not sure...

ah yes, the utter boredom and miserableness continues. depression is a bitch. sometimes i feel like medication might benefit me. generally speaking though, i tend to think not. the only thing that makes me consider drugging myself up is the fact that when i get depressed, i tend to get frustrated rather easily. it's irritating, which leads to further frustration with being frustrated. it's a sickening circle of anger generating particularness that causes me a great deal of confounding disturbment. in short, it pisses me off. this of course does not help at all, because i find myself angry and frustrated. compound that with my further irritation at being angry and frustrated at the same time as being bored and depressed, and then you may begin to understand why my wife says i don't like people. now, if you understand any of that, then you're probably just as crazy as i am.

i make jokes about it, but it really is irritating. fortunately, writing is one of the things that has helped me deal with the bullshit over the years. writing has turned into typing in this forum, but i've been doing it so long, that the cathartic effect is not as strong as it used to be. it still works though. it has sort of a calming effect. unfortunately, sometimes i'm so angry and frustrated that i either don't feel like typing, or i cannot settle my mind enough to type anything remotely coherent (there's plenty of evidence of that in these pages).

i'm becoming a grumpy old man. i suppose in many respects, i've always been grumpyish. for the most part it just irritates me that most people just don't give a fuck about anyone else except for themselves and the gratification of their immediate desires/goals. why should i even care? i ask myself this question whenever i get pissed, but this is the nature of my insanity. maybe i have a problem with the fact that i have no control whatsoever over anything in my environment except myself. that wouldn't make me any different from anyone else, but why am i so consumed by this concept? i don't see myself as a control freak. i'm not particularly interested in controlling anyone, but i do seem to desire organization and order. problem is when neither exists, i develop a great sense of frustration.

well, i must say there is nothing quite as irritating as the website having issues and deleting half of my thought(s) through error. i honestly don't even recall what it was i had originally typed. in fact, bearing evidence of what i previously stated, i got quite pissed off and just stopped typing. i moved on to playing some PC games instead.

unfortunately, many of the things that i find calm me down do not result in very productive actions on my part. problem is, if i'm not calm then i don't think through things properly. hard to solve problems when you're smash shit mad. it's kinda sad, 'cause i can be a great problem solver. i can't even say that it's a pressure thing. it would be easier if that was the case i suppose. i have a delayed reaction characteristic to my emotions that often allows me to deal rather calmly with situations that give other people the heebeejeebees (sp.). sometimes it suspends my anger, but lately that hasn't been working. i just get instant pissed and that's it.

fuck i'm bored. part of my problem is my perception of where i ought to be and what reality indicates my actual location is. there is a rather large gap. that is a permanent irritant. of course that is merely a perceptual problem on my part, but it is irritating nonetheless. the me that i am can sometimes be a burden, but i don't know how to be anyone but myself. whatever, fuck it. i'm just waiting for the UPS dude to bring me my shit so i can finally finish building my "new" system. on that note...

make like Ms. Universe is remotely socially relevant...

PEACE

you know i'm bored as all hell when...

i post to my blog twice in under a 24 hour period. my summer so far has sucked the big suckoleon. i think it's safe to say i can be a generally irritated person. people tend to get on my nerves. it's likely me, but it seems most people are raving idiots. that's not to say that i have the solution to life's problems, but that's what drives me to draw my previously stated conclusion: so many people think they have it all figured out. usually that perspective seems to be founded in the mental version of 5-block radius syndrome. if you're not familiar with the concept, most people rarely venture outside of a 5 block radius of their domicile. i'm actually guilty of this in my latter years, but not because i like to hang out around my 'hood. i prefer travel, but i can't afford that shit. that's another story though, and i'd like to get back to my point. most people tend to be concerned with their immediate environment and their immediate circumstances. again, i can be guilty of this at times, but usually i look at the proverbial big picture. the mental 5-block radius syndrome leads people to think rather selfishly. i haven't had that luxury most of my life. it's just my personality i guess. i'm always considering how what i do may affect others. 9 out of 10 times the sentiment is not returned. most peeps just don't give a fuck.

what the hell does this have to do with anything? not a goddamn thing i suppose. it just happens to be how i feel at the moment. i'm bored as hell and extremely irritated. not having gainful employment can do that to ya! i hate not working. i have businesses i'm supposed to be running, but it is a little difficult to do business with no working capital. so why don't i get a small business loan? 1. i don't have tight credit. 2. i don't want to owe any financial organizations anything at the moment. i've got business cards, but i don't believe i've glad-handed enough away to generate any interest. this assessment is derived from the complete lack of phone calls i have received asking for my assistance in my area of expertise.

okay, i actually had a point i was supposed to make when i started typing, but now i just don't give a fuck. i'm just streaming over here. my mind moves quite a bit faster than my fingers most of the time. when i get really bored, depressed and irritable, my attention span becomes very ADHDish. on that note, i'd like to say my neighbors mostly suck and most people could care less if i dropped off the face of the planet or not. the second part is somewhat irrelevant as long as i don't feel that way, but i thought i'd throw that in there anyway.

make like i am so excited at this very moment...

PEACE

so what the fuck...

my long lost younger sister emailed me a few days ago. basically she sucks. much like the rest of my supposedly blood related family, she has the distinctly throwed off gene intact. it was reminiscent of the nut ass letter my wonderful father sent me about a decade and a half ago. in a fine exhibition of the existence of the throwed off gene on the paternal side, he suggested rather emphatically that my interest in sexually explicit materials would lead to my becoming a child molester and rapist. rather humorous eh? insulting, but rather humorous. based on the amount of pornography i've consumed over the years, i guess i'm a serial rapist. dork.

so, my wonderfully missing for 12 years sister suggests that she needs to see me as if she did not know where i was for the last 12 years. odd, seeing as how i gave her my home address, work address, home phone number, pager/cell number, and work number. i can honestly say that she's had at least 1 of any of those pieces of information during this time period. oh yeah, and she's had my Yahoo and AOL IM info as well. does she contact me? hells no!

so, after about 2 years or so of no contact at all, i get this email. of course it's about our mother being on her death bed or on her way to it or whatever. ah yes, my wonderful mother. such fond memories of having a bread knife held to my throat for asking why i was the only one who had to wash dishes every night. oh and how could i forget the $50 she paid her friend to send her daughter on a date with me. that's not at all embarrassing. basically to make a damn near life long story short, my mom sucks ass. i always marvel at how the death of either one of my parents will not have any effect on my current life. the nature of our relationships is like they're dead anyway.

but i digress yet again. back to my lunatic sister. she mentions all this shit that she knows not a goddamn thing about because she was like 5 when i rolled out. all the info she has is from our mother who is damn near a pathological liar. couple that with the fact that our mom has a great imagination and a gift of telling great stories, and sis has nothing to stand on whatsoever. she tells me she's angry and alone, but then says she doesn't want me to give her phone number to any of our family members. that's funny 2X. why? 1st because i don't fuck with any of these people. 2nd because she complains she's alone. shit, with the way she decided to approach me, her ass is likely to stay feeling like that. i honestly don't feel like dealing with another crazy family member.

i suppose i may call her eventually, but for what purpose? if her attitude is anything like it was in her email, she's likely to get introduced to cousin Tone. i have enough bullshit on my plate, i don't need any side orders.

make like my sister has a freakin' clue...

PEACE

almost but not quite...

so, it will be 1 year at the end of this month that i've been typing for no one to read. [awkward crickets chirping silence]. how 'bout that? i've considered transcribing my old written journal(s) to this format, but what's the use. besides, that's material from many, many years ago. i'm talking late '80's to late '90's. there's some crazy shit in there, but the past is.

anyway, i've been thinking about how useless my parents became as i got older. i'd have to say i miss having parents, but i don't miss my 2 dorks. i was commenting to my half that it's going to be somewhat unusual to not know anything about my parents impending death(s). for all i know, they could be dead or dying. that's honestly not likely, but i honestly am not particularly concerned. perhaps that sounds cold. oh well!

make like i GAF...

PEACE

dying a slow death...

no silly, not me. my car. i was right to name my car Needa. only thing is it's Needa be fixed instead of Needa be driving...

don't know if it's the battery or the alternator, but i know the car won't start w/o being jumped. i thought...

then i thought again. i gotta stop starting posts and not finishing them. this shit is 6 days old. (but somehow the original date is still intact). Needa had to get a new alternator. sucks. that shit cost me $106 w/the tax plus $75 for labor at the mechanics. good thing is i save $94 by copping my own alternator. the mechanic was gonna hit me for $275 for everything. i still need a new battery. shit, i thought i needed new bulbs for my headlights. now i think it was the alternator and battery fucking up the whole time. it wouldn't be so bad if i was working somewhere and could pay for the maintenance. oh well, back to that sucking sound that is my life.

make like i'm making a decent living...

PEACE

well now...

...if it ain't that extra baggage feeling. or is that 5th wheel feeling? or is it that it's 3:32A and i don't have shit else to do. yeah, i think it's that last one. i had something on my mind, by i don't even feel like typing really. this is what you call a lack of motivation-and yet i'm still typing...

make like i have anything to actually say...

PEACE

nothing to see here...

...as if anyone was looking. okay, since it appears that no one is reading this, i can stop being reserved about my comments. of course, there could be lurkers, but somehow i doubt that.

it's interesting how some people feel that artistry does not need criticism. it isn't good to create in a vacuum. seems like i've done most of my creation in such an environment, but it still isn't good. feedback is essential. as an artist you've gotta have some skin thickness and find the valid comments in the bullshit. for example, i have often been labeled as a critic for my views on hip hop music. opinion may not necessarily be, but discussion tends to be a side effect of intellect. if you cannot discuss a subject w/o getting all bent out of shape, it seems to indicate a lesser intelligence. some would suggest that intelligent discussion and hip hop are diametrically opposite, but i strongly disagree. i found it highly disturbing when certain known artists suggested that hip hop should not be criticized. how foolish a concept. as an artist, i find the idea extremely offensive.

my whole perspective on criticism is this: every person does not like every thing. how can you attempt to please everyone? you can't, so fuck it. if i'm going to create, it might as well please me. this may seem vain, but isn't it my self-expression? my creative energy is not to impress others. if others find my creation impressive, then that makes it that much more rewarding to me. from an admittedly idealist perspective, i create to release that energy at that time. i don't create to fulfill the perceived interests of who knows who. the thing that makes creative products popular is the ability of other people to relate to them. if a large number perceive themselves to have some type of relationship with the creative product or the product's creator, then the product will draw that respective amount of attention.

this is what happens when i don't have a freakin' 9 to 5. i sit around thinking. how horrible and unpatriotic. you can't think in this country. actually, you can think, just don't tell anybody what you think about if it isn't what everybody else thinks you should be thinking. i think i said that correctly? anyways, i'm bored as hell and hungry as fuck, so...

make like there's pork cooking on my grill

PEACE