perhaps but i'm not sure...

ah yes, the utter boredom and miserableness continues. depression is a bitch. sometimes i feel like medication might benefit me. generally speaking though, i tend to think not. the only thing that makes me consider drugging myself up is the fact that when i get depressed, i tend to get frustrated rather easily. it's irritating, which leads to further frustration with being frustrated. it's a sickening circle of anger generating particularness that causes me a great deal of confounding disturbment. in short, it pisses me off. this of course does not help at all, because i find myself angry and frustrated. compound that with my further irritation at being angry and frustrated at the same time as being bored and depressed, and then you may begin to understand why my wife says i don't like people. now, if you understand any of that, then you're probably just as crazy as i am.

i make jokes about it, but it really is irritating. fortunately, writing is one of the things that has helped me deal with the bullshit over the years. writing has turned into typing in this forum, but i've been doing it so long, that the cathartic effect is not as strong as it used to be. it still works though. it has sort of a calming effect. unfortunately, sometimes i'm so angry and frustrated that i either don't feel like typing, or i cannot settle my mind enough to type anything remotely coherent (there's plenty of evidence of that in these pages).

i'm becoming a grumpy old man. i suppose in many respects, i've always been grumpyish. for the most part it just irritates me that most people just don't give a fuck about anyone else except for themselves and the gratification of their immediate desires/goals. why should i even care? i ask myself this question whenever i get pissed, but this is the nature of my insanity. maybe i have a problem with the fact that i have no control whatsoever over anything in my environment except myself. that wouldn't make me any different from anyone else, but why am i so consumed by this concept? i don't see myself as a control freak. i'm not particularly interested in controlling anyone, but i do seem to desire organization and order. problem is when neither exists, i develop a great sense of frustration.

well, i must say there is nothing quite as irritating as the website having issues and deleting half of my thought(s) through error. i honestly don't even recall what it was i had originally typed. in fact, bearing evidence of what i previously stated, i got quite pissed off and just stopped typing. i moved on to playing some PC games instead.

unfortunately, many of the things that i find calm me down do not result in very productive actions on my part. problem is, if i'm not calm then i don't think through things properly. hard to solve problems when you're smash shit mad. it's kinda sad, 'cause i can be a great problem solver. i can't even say that it's a pressure thing. it would be easier if that was the case i suppose. i have a delayed reaction characteristic to my emotions that often allows me to deal rather calmly with situations that give other people the heebeejeebees (sp.). sometimes it suspends my anger, but lately that hasn't been working. i just get instant pissed and that's it.

fuck i'm bored. part of my problem is my perception of where i ought to be and what reality indicates my actual location is. there is a rather large gap. that is a permanent irritant. of course that is merely a perceptual problem on my part, but it is irritating nonetheless. the me that i am can sometimes be a burden, but i don't know how to be anyone but myself. whatever, fuck it. i'm just waiting for the UPS dude to bring me my shit so i can finally finish building my "new" system. on that note...

make like Ms. Universe is remotely socially relevant...

PEACE